Kids bring so magic and happiness to this night. Their excitement of waiting on Santa is just off the scale. Answering all their questions: “When is Santa going to be here?” … “How does he visit everybody in the whole world in one night?” … “How will he get in if we don’t have a fireplace?” … “How can he come down the chimney if we have a fire burning?” … and that dreaded last Christmas Eve they still want so much to believe in the magic… “Is Santa real?” … (That’s when you take a pair of boots and walk ashes from the fireplace across the room towards the tree — blew my son’s mind — priceless)… Trying to get them to sleep so Santa can come visit is probably a parent’s most difficult night of the year, yet exciting beyond what words can really say.
I wish I was a kid again. I miss the magic of Christmas Eve.
When the kids are grown with families of their own and you aren’t allowed to spend holidays or special occasions with your grandkids, this night can be one of the hardest of the year. (Something I would never, ever have dreamed would happen to me, but it did. I don’t guess I will ever get over it especially since after three years my daughter-in-law — of seven years and in our lives for eleven — still won’t give me a clue why she doesn’t want me in the same room with her. I have tried to make peace with her but ‘it takes two’.) It makes life hard for my son being stuck in the middle of this madness and I am sure will suffer consequences if he goes above her wishes. (He is living the life I had with his dad.) That really hurts my heart. Jealousy and being controlling are evil and can destroy even the best relationships, eventually.
No wonder so many suicide victims are found this time of year. (I have to admit the thought has crossed my mind a time or two over the years.) When you are alone and the world starts crashing in on you, it seems like an easy way out (dealing with constant muscle spasms and joint pain that keep you from doing what you want doesn’t help) … No, peeps, don’t freak out and call the suicide hot line! Suicide is not in my plan. I’m not brave enough and I would probably mess it up anyway. (I just think about it from time-to-time.) Besides, that is God‘s decision, not mine. (I remember that when it crosses my mind.) He obviously has a reason for me to be here and I will wait for Him to say, “It’s time to come home, my child”.
Even though this is my second Christmas Eve with just the dog and cats (minus the one I lost this year that was my world), I think this one is harder than last year when I spent my first Christmas without my sweet Daddy. It was just me and him for 15 years after Mom passed away. (He depended on me to make his world click. Daddy couldn’t even write a check. Mama took care of running the household then pretty much everything else when Daddy could no longer work. It was the early to mid 80s when he became totally disabled.)
No one needs me now. I have to say, I don’t feel “wanted” either. I think people believe I should be over it by now. I’m not. “How long is it going to take”, you ask? I wish I knew the answer to that one. Another thing, most people don’t truly understand that I have physical — and mental — problems. (It’s not a joke. I wish it were a nightmare that I could wake up from — it’s not. It’s all very real and isn’t going away.)
If you still have your parents, go visit them often. At least call them. You can’t understand how much it makes their hearts smile just to hear your voice unless you have been there. When they are gone, you will regret it for the rest of your days if you don’t (if you have a heart, that is). Don’t wait until it’s too late and “wish” you had spent more time with them or at least tried to make peace with them. Once that moment is gone, it is gone forever… no one has the promise of another second.
I can honestly say I know the time spent being a caregiver to my parents meant the world to them and my world is better because of it. (I had the honor of hearing them tell me just how much they appreciated and loved me.) I realize not everyone has that special bond with their parents (or siblings), for one reason or another. I was blessed with two of the most amazing and wonderful parents (and brother) on earth. Please make peace now… for all of you. There is no amount of money or any gift that could give more happiness than love and forgiveness. It’s what Christmas is all about and it will change your world.
Well, it was Christmas Eve when I started writing this. It is Christmas morning now (and almost time for the kiddies to start stirring) so I will say, “Good night friends. Merry, Merry Christmas to you and yours!” Please make peace with whatever battle you are facing with the people God put in your life, especially your parents and siblings, but more importantly, God.
Dear Lord, thank You for giving me your only son that I will have eternal life in Your arms. Thank You for never leaving me alone — even when no one else is there, I know You are. Thank You for all the blessings in my life and carrying me through the trials. Thank You for Your love, Your grace, You mercy, and Your forgiveness. I deserve none of those things but I am so very thankful You think I do. In Jesus’ Name, I pray. Amen.
Loss, Fibro, and COPD 