Christmas Eve

Kids bring so magic and happiness to this night. Their excitement of waiting on Santa is just off the scale. Answering all their questions: “When is Santa going to be here?” … “How does he visit everybody in the whole world in one night?” … “How will he get in if we don’t have a fireplace?” … “How can he come down the chimney if we have a fire burning?” … and that dreaded last Christmas Eve they still want so much to believe in the magic… “Is Santa real?” … (That’s when you take a pair of boots and walk ashes from the fireplace across the room towards the tree — blew my son’s mind — priceless)… Trying to get them to sleep so Santa can come visit is probably a parent’s most difficult night of the year, yet exciting beyond what words can really say.

I wish I was a kid again. I miss the magic of Christmas Eve.

When the kids are grown with families of their own and you aren’t allowed to spend holidays or special occasions with your grandkids, this night can be one of the hardest of the year. (Something I would never, ever have dreamed would happen to me, but it did. I don’t guess I will ever get over it especially since after three years my daughter-in-law — of seven years and in our lives for eleven — still won’t give me a clue why she doesn’t want me in the same room with her. I have tried to make peace with her but ‘it takes two’.) It makes life hard for my son being stuck in the middle of this madness and I am sure will suffer consequences if he goes above her wishes. (He is living the life I had with his dad.) That really hurts my heart. Jealousy and being controlling are evil and can destroy even the best relationships, eventually.

No wonder so many suicide victims are found this time of year. (I have to admit the thought has crossed my mind a time or two over the years.) When you are alone and the world starts crashing in on you, it seems like an easy way out (dealing with constant muscle spasms and joint pain that keep you from doing what you want doesn’t help) … No, peeps, don’t freak out and call the suicide hot line! Suicide is not in my plan. I’m not brave enough and I would probably mess it up anyway. (I just think about it from time-to-time.) Besides, that is God‘s decision, not mine. (I remember that when it crosses my mind.) He obviously has a reason for me to be here and I will wait for Him to say, “It’s time to come home, my child”.

Even though this is my second Christmas Eve with just the dog and cats (minus the one I lost this year that was my world), I think this one is harder than last year when I spent my first Christmas without my sweet Daddy. It was just me and him for 15 years after Mom passed away. (He depended on me to make his world click. Daddy couldn’t even write a check. Mama took care of running the household then pretty much everything else when Daddy could no longer work. It was the early to mid 80s when he became totally disabled.)

No one needs me now. I have to say, I don’t feel “wanted” either. I think people believe I should be over it by now. I’m not. “How long is it going to take”, you ask? I wish I knew the answer to that one. Another thing, most people don’t truly understand that I have physical — and mental —  problems. (It’s not a joke. I wish it were a nightmare that I could wake up from — it’s not. It’s all very real and isn’t going away.) 

If you still have your parents, go visit them often. At least call them. You can’t understand how much it makes their hearts smile just to hear your voice unless you have been there. When they are gone, you will regret it for the rest of your days if you don’t (if you have a heart, that is). Don’t wait until it’s too late and “wish” you had spent more time with them or at least tried to make peace with them. Once that moment is gone, it is gone forever… no one has the promise of another second. 

I can honestly say I know the time spent being a caregiver to my parents meant the world to them and my world is better because of it. (I had the honor of hearing them tell me just how much they appreciated and loved me.) I realize not everyone has that special bond with their parents (or siblings), for one reason or another. I was blessed with two of the most amazing and wonderful parents (and brother) on earth. Please make peace now… for all of you. There is no amount of money or any gift that could give more happiness than love and forgiveness. It’s what Christmas is all about and it will change your world.

Well, it was Christmas Eve when I started writing this. It is Christmas morning now (and almost time for the kiddies to start stirring) so I will say, “Good night friends. Merry, Merry Christmas to you and yours!” Please make peace with whatever battle you are facing with the people God put in your life, especially your parents and siblings, but more importantly, God.

Dear Lord, thank You for giving me your only son that I will have eternal life in Your arms. Thank You for never leaving me alone — even when no one else is there, I know You are. Thank You for all the blessings in my life and carrying me through the trials. Thank You for Your love, Your grace, You mercy, and Your forgiveness. I deserve none of those things but I am so very thankful You think I do. In Jesus’ Name, I pray. Amen.

 

Alone at Christmas

Three days before Christmas and everyone around me is sick with the flu or some sort of respiratory problem. I can’t be around them because if I catch what they have I may wind up in the hospital. I would rather spend Christmas and New Year’s alone. It’s OK. I’m getting used to being alone, I think.

I still miss my Mama after almost 17 years; I always will. She was my best friend. I miss my precious Daddy something awful. It’s only my second Christmas without him. I miss my sweet baby, Jack… my first without him. (This has been a tough year for me.) I hope Harley will hang on for a little longer but he is in severe pain. (I can’t bear to watch him but I can’t bear to lose him either.) I’m not sure I can handle putting two sweet babies down in the same year. I’m selfish, huh? That’s probably what most of you think. I’m not ready to make this decision again!!

I miss my son and grandkids terribly at this time of year; more than others. That’s all I can say about that. Maybe another time.

Being alone at Christmas is like no other time of the year. Unless you are like me then you have no idea what it feels like. From Thanksgiving (actually November first) to New Year’s Day my heart just wants to stop beating. Maybe if I were a bear and could hibernate through the season I would be OK. I could awake to see the Crocus in bloom and know that Spring is just around the corner…

…and that soon the anniversary of Mom’s death, her birthday, the anniversary of Daddy’s death, Easter, and their anniversary are behind me. Oh wait! That would be Summer.

In spite of being alone, winter would have to be my favorite time of the year. I love having a fire burning. I love it when snow is in the forecast (doesn’t happen often in Central Alabama but it’s usually a big deal when it does). I love the rain that comes with this season. But, this season also brings so many feelings of emptiness and loneliness. My holiday dinner table (all the holidays through the year) went from sometimes 15 people (or more) down to two, then one. That’s quite a change that most people don’t notice or understand.

Since I am alone, I often think of moving to maybe Tennessee or even farther North like Maine. Maybe something like this… (as long as it has internet).

I love the cold weather. Breathing is easier for me when it is cold but my muscles tend to hurt more. The temperature inside my house is 65 degrees year round. (That can be rough on the budget in the Summer months. Something else will just have to go so I can breathe!) It’s been like that since 2009 when Daddy became so sick. Being his full-time Caregiver taught me a lot and maybe even prepared me for my future in many ways. I look back on his life and compare it to my own. (I just don’t have a daughter to take care of me.) It is scary to know the inevitable but it’s too late to fix it. (COPD is not something reversible or curable.) I guess an assisted living facility will be getting everything I own at some point. Maybe I need to transfer the house now? Yeah, I’m sure of it.

I try to keep busy. (As busy as my muscles and lungs will allow.) It’s just not enough to get this extra 50 pounds off. Of course the steroids don’t help. Every time I take them, I seem to gain at least another 5lbs and it doesn’t want to leave! *sigh*

Yes, I’m depressed. I try hard to overcome the feelings but sometimes it’s difficult. Like now.

But I still want to say…

Dear Lord, thank You for giving me life and never leaving my side. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

Just Doesn’t Feel Like Christmas

The past several days I have spent fighting depression. I chose to fight it by trying to move leaves with the blower and mower (two days and I am still not finished but most of the leaves are away from the doors now — dang this place is growing.) My muscles are sore to even a light touch. The spasms kicked in yesterday morning and have only become worse. I can’t feed myself enough meds to make the pain stop. No more spoons for at least the next week. (I really must find five more spoons to make one more Christmas present before Sunday. Maybe tomorrow.)

Why am I fighting depression at this – what should be – glorious time of the year? A topic so many people want to avoid. And, like others, there are many reasons that I just don’t want to talk about right now. 

The older I get, the less magic is in the air. People don’t say, “Merry Christmas” as they did just a year ago, and look at me strangely when I say it. Most have smiled and said, “Merry Christmas” but it seems I am the one to say it first; well, except for the Salvation Army Bell Ringers. Most of them have no problem saying, “Merry Christmas”. People seem to be afraid to say those sweet words. At least I haven’t been arrested for saying it, yet! This world has become so “politically correct” that it is not even our world any more. Our heritage is being taken away daily. When you take away our heritage, you also take away Christ. You take away Christ and we are nothing; our backbones have crumbled without Him; not only ourselves but our once great nation.

I pray that the people of this land will open their eyes to the corruption and evil ways of the times and turn back to the one who will always be there in good or bad; the creator of the heavens and earth; our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We can’t fix the problems we are facing without Him.

With all the technology in the world today and you still can’t talk, text, message, Face-Dial, or Skype with the ones you love, especially at this time of year, things just seem sorta meaningless and empty. It just doesn’t feel like Christmas anymore. The kids have their own lives as well as everyone else. (It’s just me and You, Lord.) Still, I am not ready for this season to end. 

I love everything about Christmas; the sights, the sounds, the smells, the movies, the music…  It is a beautiful season of love, kindness, generosity, hope… but more importantly, Jesus was born so that I will have eternal life. I am so richly blessed because I am loved that much…  Me! … Yes, me! I am so not worthy of that kind of love but I am so very thankful it was given to ME just for the asking.

Dear Lord, thank You for every blessing in my life. From the air I freely breathe to the water I drink. Thank You for Your love, Your grace, Your mercy, Your forgiveness. Thank You for Your Son and for giving me life. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

 

Christmas Spirit

Feeling a bit down today but turned on the Christmas tunes and started making goodies for gifts (Chocolate Covered Peanuts and Toasted Pecans) to help get me into a more festive mood. As I melted the chocolate and stirred in the peanuts, I remembered a surprise visit from my son and grandkids a couple of years ago (my Daddy’s last Christmas). While I was making these annual goodies, the door burst open,  “Surprise”. The girls ran in the door with arms wide open, “Merry Christmas” … Oh I wish that would happen again. Not likely to happen unless my daughter-in-law opens her heart, mind, and eyes … It’s my prayer that she will one day soon. (Just please, Lord, don’t let someone get hurt before that happens.)

It has been so cold today; not sure the temperature even made it into the 40s as they projected. I built a fire not only to stay warm but hoping to boost my Christmas spirit. (Mama and Daddy once loved a roaring fire so, in a way, it made me feel closer to them as well.)

The wood is getting really low and winter won’t actually even be here until next weekend, so I have to really be careful of the fires I build or hope I find a way to get more wood. I love the smell, the feel, the warmth, the crackling sound, the glow… everything about it, except the work that goes into keeping it going or the mess that goes along with it. It hurts my back and muscles but it sure is cheaper than using the electricity.

I have been dreaming of the perfect Christmas season. In that dream, there is snow (at least with temperatures cold enough for a fire all day and night); baking with family, homemade hot chocolate (or eggnog) by a roaring fire to soothe the soul; and someone special to share it all with…

My favorite Hallmark Christmas movie for 2013 is, “Let it Snow”. It’s my dream Christmas. Check out the trailer…

http://www.hallmarkchannel.com/letitsnow/preview/Preview/LetItSnow

I think when Harley passes on, I need to make new plans for Christmas; probably next year. He is not doing well and I doubt he will be here much longer. (Right now I am wondering if he will make it through tonight. He is curled up in the dining room, lightly growling with almost every breath and a loud bark every few seconds. I am sure he is in pain but I have already given him more meds than I should have today. I don’t know what else to do. It’s breaking my heart.) What a precious companion he has been for the past eleven years. He is probably the sweetest and most loving dog I have ever had. When he is gone, that leaves me with Katie and Angel (my two cats). I can pack Katie up and take her with me, if she is still here. (She is 17 but basically still in good health.) Angel…(Angel is just not a very loving cat and is happy if you leave her alone and has been that way for all of her 15 years.)

Dear Lord, thank You for another day. Thank You for all the blessings You have so graciously given me. Thank You for my memories. Thank You for my life… thank You for giving me life. Please forgive my sins. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

 

If You Really Want To Know What Fibromyalgia Is Like….

I wish I had written this. It describes me perfectly but I cannot take credit for it. I am re-posting this from a friend of a friend because it is worth reading…

If You Really Want To Know What Fibromyalgia Is Like…..

via If You Really Want To Know What Fibromyalgia Is Like…..

 

But You Look Fine

If you don’t know me you probably don’t know I have disabilities. Most times they are not visible. It’s hard to see that my joints sometimes feel like they are coming apart when I move or that my muscles are constantly spazzing and sore to the touch or hurting so badly I can hardly breathe at times. You may, however, be able to see the bald spots on my head that have developed in the past year underneath my long blonde hair but that is just one of the few symptoms that is only cosmetic. You don’t know I rarely sleep because of the pain (maybe my blood-shot eyes are a give-away on that one). You may be able to see depression on my face (I’m not good at hiding that but I try). The COPD is fairly easy to see most times. The weight gain of course is easy to see but most people think that is because I am lazy. (I was walking 2 miles a day, 5 days a week and had to stop because the pain became unbearable… I’m NOT lazy.)

I have heard, “But you look fine” more times than I can count and mostly from people who I thought knew me.

My neighbors may see me take the garbage can up my long driveway to the road or just walk to the mailbox; you may see me in Walmart picking up necessities. What you don’t understand is that was most likely all I could do for that day. If you only knew me just four years ago, I was a different person. I was able to work through the pain because it was bearable, most days.

What happened, you ask? I think having to pick my sweet Daddy up off the floor so many times pushed my body beyond its limits… but I would gladly do it all over again. It was worth every ounce of pain to be there when he needed me. He knew what taking care of him 24/7 was doing to me. I think that is why he gave up the fight. He was the one person who could testify to what this illness has done to me. I miss that man so very much.

Working in the yard was physical and mental therapy for me for all of my adult life. I would start at daylight and go until dark every chance I could (I have a really big yard — a few acres.) Now, it is just more than I can handle. My once “manicured” yard is now a huge mess. The worst thing, I really don’t care any more. (I never thought that was even possible.) I have to wait for a good day and the weather doesn’t always cooperate with my body. Just because it is sunny and nice outside doesn’t mean my body will allow me to do what needs to be done or even what I want to do.

At this point in my life I should be able to do whatever I want, when I want. It tears me up inside when I can’t; when I miss out on fun or important things. (Now I understand how Daddy felt when he would say, “I just can’t”. I also see why no one understood that he wouldn’t try.) 

You never know what someone else is going through just by looking at them on the outside. The inside always tells another story. Please, think before you judge.

Dear Lord, thank You for another day. Thank You for all the blessings in my life, great and small and everything in between. In Jesus’ name, thank You. Amen 

 

Sore Muscles

Been a lazy kind of day.

All of the Christmas trees have been made and delivered except one I am waiting to deliver. (I think I made ten since October. Maybe I can get some orders for next year.) Even though they hurt me to make, the smiles from everyone have been priceless. I hope they enjoy them for years to come. Each one was created with love and all are one-of-a-kind.

My muscles are sore to the touch and for no apparent reason. All I did today was email the BBB about the recliner that is under warranty and needs repair (the company we purchased it from is no longer in business so this has become a problem); cleaned the litter boxes; and drove the car to the mailbox. (I took a hammer and a pair of pliers with me to fix the banged-up door that was letting water inside and soaking all of my mail.) Then, I cooked Meatball Stew from meatballs I had already made and frozen so all I had to do was peel four small, red potatoes and wash some carrots. There were some onions I had chopped and put in the freezer earlier too so I didn’t even have to chop those.

This gets really old, especially when nothing helps unless it puts me to sleep. I don’t really want to sleep all day every day so most times I just do the best I can to get through it without any help.

It was so cold today. I don’t think the temperature got up to the mid 40s. I wanted to build a fire but I didn’t feel up to keeping it going and the wood supply is getting low so I just turned up the heat instead. I love having a fire. I do NOT love the work to keep it burning. (It hurts.) If we happen to lose power this winter, I will only have enough wood to last a couple of days. I have given away well over a cord of wood the past few years. You would think they would want to help me replenish the supply. (They know my situation.) I should really know better by now. People just ‘use’ me because I am such a giver. Somehow, I almost always get hurt in the end, but I do what my heart tells me to do at the time. My only consolation, God knows my heart and He knows the ones who don’t just use me!

Dear Lord, thank You for this day. Thank You for all the blessings in my life. Thank You for getting me through my days. Thank You for Your love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy. Just, thank You! In Jesus’ name. Amen. 

 

For the Love of Christmas: Sweet Memories

Feeling a bit nostalgic tonight…

I was born 19 days before Christmas in 1957. (Yeah, my birthday is next week and probably why I am reliving sweet memories tonight.) Mom always said I was her Christmas present. My childhood was a fairytale. We didn’t have money but we had a comfortable roof over our heads, food to eat, clean clothes to wear, an abundance of love, and Jesus ruled our home. Mom sewed most of my clothes from flour sacks. (Back then, flour came in pretty sacks of cotton fabric. I wasn’t the best dressed by any means but I was proud of those dresses – and was so excited when she had enough material for a new dress – until around the third grade when people began “picking on me” and my clothes. Now, it would be considered “bullying”. I was bullied until high school.)

I never heard my parents even say a harsh word towards each other until well after I was married. Some of my most precious memories are of my Daddy walking up behind Mama while she was washing the dishes or cooking and loving on her; goosing her to make her laugh. We laughed a lot in our home. (Man, I was so disillusioned about how life was supposed to be when I got married. I didn’t get that “fairytale”.)

Thanksgiving and Christmas were always special. Mom made sure they were. She would bake for weeks; cookies, fudge, Pecan Pies for Thanksgiving Dinner (those were Daddy’s favorites, next to the Coconut Cake she always made for his birthday – the day before Halloween). When I was tall enough to stand in a chair to reach the sink, I was in the kitchen helping her. She was an excellent southern cook and teacher. We had some good times in the kitchen together. It was her most favorite time of the year. I guess that’s why it has always been my favorite also. Baking and cooking were the way spent our time together. I will always miss that time with her but am so thankful for those sweet memories and everything she taught me.

The day after Thanksgiving, my mother, little brother and I would go into the woods and chop down a cedar tree then drag it back home. (The smell of a cedar tree will always be a sweet Christmas memory for me. Those were days well before artificial trees which I have now only because of the potential fire hazard of a real tree.) Sometimes we would walk for over a mile to find the perfect tree. When Daddy came home, he would saw it off to fit the room then set it into a bucket and stabilize it. I remember one year the tree was so tall and full there was barely room to walk around it. (Daddy had to cut a couple of feet off it to get it in the house.) That was the most beautiful tree and one I will always remember.

When my brother was just a wee little guy, he would sleep under the Christmas tree every night until Christmas Eve. Mom made him go to bed so Santa could come. He would crawl in my bed and talk all night as we listened for Santa. (Every little noise just had to be Santa.) We would finally fall asleep in the early morning hours then up before dawn because we just couldn’t wait any longer to see if Santa brought we asked for.

Daddy had his first of four back operations when I was around six years old. (He was never the same after that. The doctor slipped and cut a nerve in his back. Even though he worked for the next twenty years, he lived in constant pain and did nothing other than work to provide for his family. The fun was over.) That Christmas, he was unable to work for a couple of months and I remember Mom worrying how they were going to pay the bills, let alone buy Christmas gifts. We went to church for Christmas Eve services and when we came home I was totally convinced Santa had come while we were gone. (That was the time in my life when I wasn’t sure about Santa so it couldn’t have come at a better time.) Later, I found out the church made sure my brother and I had gifts under the tree; just little trinkets mostly but there were more presents under the tree than you could ever imagine. There was even an envelope of money as well as food. We were so richly blessed.

We lived in the country and a trip to downtown Birmingham was a treat in those days. So much different from now. All the buildings decorated with beautiful lights and Woodrow Wilson Park (now Linn Park) was so magical at Christmas. Daddy would sit in the car and keep it warm while Mom, my brother and I ran around the park. That was so much fun and a tradition I always looked forward to. (Sweet family time.) To this day, I still love the lights. It’s one of the most magical parts of the season.

I wish I was still a child at this time of year. There was more love and simplicity; more magic and excitement.

Dear Lord, thank You for my sweet memories. I had a wonderful childhood; the best parents (and little brother) a kid could ever dream of having. Thank You! Thank You for loving me enough to give Your life for me even though I do not deserve one little scratch on Your body. Please, let me see my grandkids soon. I miss them (and my son) so very much. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen. 

 

Exercise and Fibromyalgia

They recommend exercise for Fibro patients. However, for this gal, exercise does nothing to help the pain but makes it worse. I was walking 2 miles a day for over a year and had to quit because the pain became unbearable. I’m sure it helps some people but just like the “miracle” drugs doesn’t work for me. I wish you all the best and just try it. It may work for you.

http://www.webmd.com/fibromyalgia/fibromyalgia-what-you-need-to-know-10/slideshow-fibromyalgia-exercise?ecd=wnl_fib_111913&ctr=wnl-fib-111913_ld-stry&mb=o5WfwCcCapT710vdJqWjhOHnVev1imbCtsz5FKZpoyw%3d

 

Fibro Mystery Potentially Solved

In an article, sent to me by a friend, I read where doctors are discovering that the pain from Fibromyalgia may not be in the patient’s head… Really?!

http://www.sott.net/article/263813-The-Fibromyalgia-mystery-finally-solved

This gal knows it is not in her head and is very real. Why on earth would I create something in my mind that would cause debilitating pain, insomnia, fatigue, or anything that would keep me from doing the things I once lived for? With more doctors than not believing this disease is “all in your head”, it has made anyone who has never experienced Fibro pain believe that also. I mean if doctors don’t believe it is real then who else would? If I could make it go away, I would gladly do so. This disease has changed my life and is nothing I would wish on even my worst enemy. I just want people to understand that this is a very real disease.

Thank goodness my doctor has never belittled me and has tried everything he could think of to find some relief for me. The new drug, Trileptal, is a drug normally used for seizures but is given for many reasons. In my case, for muscle spasms. I think it may be helping with the “squeezing” spells but is doing little, if anything, for the muscle spasms in my back.

I have tried just about every drug on the market. Most of which make me even more sick, crazy, suicidal, or do nothing at all except waste money I don’t have. Since the government won’t allow me to continue taking the drugs that have helped me tolerate the pain for years, I would rather suffer through it with nothing at all than to have those side effects. Some people have found relief with Lyrica, Cymbalta, and other popular drugs. I am happy they have found something to help them live normal lives without side effects.

If I never find something to relieve the pain, I have accepted that. I know my limits and have to pace myself. Most days I push those limits and know I will pay dearly for my actions. I have to try. I refuse to let this thing get the best of me and completely take away my life.