Happy New Year

Since I can’t find anything to talk about other the pain I have experienced for the past several days, I will wait until I have something more worthwhile to say. Hope this doesn’t last much longer.

Happy New Year everyone. I pray that 2014 brings us all less pain and happier days.

 

If I Had One Wish

The past few days my muscles have been so weak I barely have the strength to walk to the bathroom. (Maybe taking the ornaments off the Christmas tree caused this flare-up or maybe it’s the cold, damp weather. Who knows?! … I just hope I can get the tree down before New Year‘s Day.)  If I had just one wish I think it would have to be for this nasty disease to go back to the pits of hell where it belongs. I’m sure if you suffer with Fibromyalgia you know exactly what I am talking about. If you don’t I am so happy for you, but please educate yourself before passing judgement on something you don’t understand.

Not only has the Fibro kicked in hard and heavy but so has the COPD. Everyone around me has been sick with respiratory infections of some sort so I have tried to stay alone and in my comfort zone. (I did go to my brother’s for Christmas dinner but didn’t give any of them hugs — except for him — for making my Christmas so special.) It’s hard to keep the germs away when they are flying all over the place. It doesn’t take much for a flare-up. I just hope this doesn’t turn into pneumonia; not sure the usual antibiotic is working this time.

One of my Fibro friends just posted this image and I had to share it here. I completely agree! It is nothing like the commercials… Lyrica, Cymbalta or any of the other hundreds of drugs on the market for Fibromyalgia don’t seem to help me in the least. In fact, they tend to make the symptoms worse as well as bring on thoughts of suicide. So, I choose to suffer through it. Maybe one day something will come along to make it tolerable for me and without side effects. For now, I will continue with pain meds and muscle relaxers.

 

Fibromyalgia Changes Everything

Fibromyalgia changes everything and everyone around you. Living with it is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. One day may be livable while the next five days aren’t. The article in the link below describes the challenges of dealing with this nasty disease. If your doctor doesn’t understand or won’t acknowledge that Fibromyalgia could be the source of your problems, find another doctor!

“A person with Fibromyalgia may be able to clean the house, go shopping and do yard work on Monday, but on Thursday they may not even be able to get out of bed.”

http://www.fibromyalgia-treatment.com/nothing-easy-about-it/

Today we have 100% chance of rain in Central Alabama and it has done just that all day and is expected to continue until tomorrow morning. My joints feel like someone is driving nails in them and the muscles in my back are so weak they can barely hold me up. I woke around 3:30 this morning and need a nap but I know that nap will turn into several hours then I will be up the rest of the night. Think I will try to tough it out…  *sigh*

 

Muscle Spasms and Depression

It’s been one of those days where everything I did and any position I stood or sat has been miserable. I just have not been able to find any relief since a couple of hours after I got up. Maybe I should just not get up… There are many days where I have to talk myself into getting up and facing my world. If it weren’t for the animals I wouldn’t — more days than not. I just don’t want to take a pill until I absolutely can’t stand it any more. If I do, eventually the more it will take and I’m not ready to go there just yet.

Other than taking care of the animals, about the only thing I did today was peel and slice some potatoes and an onion to fry along with a couple of boneless pork chops (which reminds me, I need to get the left-overs put in the fridge). That was all it took for my muscles to tighten to the breaking point. (It feels like my body is being stretched like a rubber band.) Sometimes I wonder if the muscles snapped, would it feel better or worse? … I’m not sure it could feel any worse.

Depression sets in harder on days like this…. I feel like someone (or something) else takes control over my mind. I say and do things that I can’t help… yeah, it’s time to change the Prozac. It ain’t workin’ any more.

I walked to the mailbox hoping that would help work the muscles. It just made things worse. Normally, I drive somewhere just so I can check the mail from the car instead of walking up that small knoll in the driveway. (If I ever skip a week of taking the garbage to the road, I can barely pull the can all the way without resting.)

The entire state (actually, most of the Southeast) has dealt with torrential rains and high winds this summer. (It’s been one of the wettest summers on record.) I love everything about a good old-fashion thunderstorm — the sound of the sky splitting wide open, the sound of the rain hitting the tin roof on the back porch, the smell of the rain, the cooler temperatures, the lush look of the yard — everything, except how it makes my muscles and joints hurt. (Until about five years ago, it was tolerable and I actually had to do manual labor all day to create this kind of pain.) It just gets worse with every storm now. At least, that is the only thing I can find common to this madness, at this point anyway.

It’s past time for a breathing treatment. I am feeling it. The cough is worse and I am having difficulty breathing.

Dear Lord, thank You again for another day. Thank You for all the blessings in my life. Because of Your grace, I still have a roof over my head, food to eat, and everything I need to survive in this world. Please help me with the pain and depression in my life. I know it is not what You want for me. Lord, would please put Your healing arms around my friend’s Dad. I know she and her Mom need to feel Your arms around them too. My friend who just lost her Mom needs You; and my friend who is experiencing the end of time with his parents needs You. We all need Your sweet arms for one thing or another and You know the needs of each one. Thank You for taking care of us. Thank You for loving me even though I don’t deserve You. In Jesus’ name. Amen. 

 

Dealing with Loss and Illness

A continuous four hours of sleep before having to get up for a potty run this morning. I went back to sleep and slept off and on until around 10 o’clock. The combo works but I did have to boost it a bit before I could finally drift off. I just can’t do that every night. It makes me feel drained when I wake up and takes hours before I can function.

I’m not sure I will sleep tonight, with or without the combo. A dear friend called to let me know her Dad had a heart attack and the prognosis is not good. (Just makes me sick and I feel so helpless.) He was in Gulf Shores, AL with his brother when it happened, trying to clean out his shop before Saturday when the new owner takes possession of the building. He was taken to the hospital in Fairhope. They called the family and told them he could have 24-48 hours. My heart hurts for her and her family. She loves her Dad so much… Having to fight traffic heading south from Birmingham is a nightmare on any day. Add massive, local flooding from severe thunderstorms this afternoon and it is enough to make you want to hurt someone… especially when you need to get out-of-town for an emergency.

Another friend called tonight needing a friendly ear (she lost her mother just a couple of weeks ago). The loss of someone you love is so hard. In her case, she now has to fight with her brothers for what was left even though she is the one who took care of her for over three years. They are feeling guilt and taking it out on her. This too breaks my heart.

I am so very thankful I didn’t have to fight with my brother. He was always supportive of what I did for Daddy and trusted me to make the right decisions. Not that I always made the right decisions but I did my best. He knew that.

Dear Lord, thank You for another day. Thank You for all the blessings in my life. Lord, please put Your healing arms around my friends and help them through these days. Let them feel Your presence and that You have them in Your arms. In Jesus’ name. Amen. 

 

Prayer and Faith

The last four months have been difficult since Daddy passed away. My world changed so much, so fast. Life went from someone depending on me every hour of every day to total solitude. Well, except for the cats and dog constantly under my feet. Their world changed too. Daddy always came back home from the hospital and they still don’t understand he is not coming back. Harley dog still sleeps in Daddy’s room like he is waiting on him to come home.

After about a month, I began cleaning out for what seemed inevitable; losing my home. (Kind of hard to pay a mortgage without an income and kind of hard to have an income when your body won’t let you work.) Even though it was difficult for my body to just get out of bed every day, I didn’t want to put off packing up, throwing away, or giving away everything until I was forced to move. So, I did a little when I could. (I sure take a lot more breaks than I used to!) Every room, drawer, and cabinet I emptied without help. It was the hardest thing I have had to do, not only mentally but physically. My brother came over one Sunday morning (his only day off) to clean out the shed which was one of my worst fears of doing alone and refused to do. It was one of those spaces (16’x20′) that was crammed full of 30 years of stuff and junk. It horrified me just to open the door! I could barely get the lawn mower out. (Not that it matters anymore since I can’t use it now anyway, but it did come in handy driving around the property instead of the car or walking. This is the first time in my life that I have had to depend on someone else to cut the grass; it was always something I enjoyed and loved doing. My yard was always “manicured” but not any more! It will  just have to grow up if someone else doesn’t do it for me. I just don’t care any more. I really do care, but my body just won’t let me so I have learned to accept it. Living in an apartment sometimes sounds appealing but I just don’t think I can give up the seclusion I have here. Maybe I really just don’t want to!)

Fibromyalgia STINKS and I don’t wish it on my worst enemy! … It became a difficult, daily challenge as I took care of Daddy and put more of a strain on my body than anyone will ever understand. Having to pick him up off the floor and keep him from falling out of the bed or chair was so hard on my body but I couldn’t think about my own problems. That was my Daddy and he depended on me to make his world tick because he sure couldn’t do it himself. Still, I wouldn’t take anything for the time I had with him full-time for the last 3 years! God allowed me to lose my job to be there for him when he needed help and I am so very thankful for every minute, for every second we had together. It was just me and him for 15 years and it is going to take a long time to get over this loss.

I spent two months having yard sales every Saturday. There was just so much usable stuff. I thought that surely someone could make good use of it and I could make a few bucks. A few bucks is just what I made. It was enough to buy some food and gas so it did help but I ended up giving most of it to charitable organizations because my body just couldn’t deal with the pain every weekend. (It took 3-4 days for my body to recoup every time, then it was time to do it again.) Even though I kept everything covered under the carport, I still had to sit there with it all day.

It became so depressing to realize I could lose everything I worked so hard for all of my life. It was just impossible for me to find a job. Not only because of the Fibromyalgia and other physical problems but being over 50, no one wants you any more. There was just something inside me that refused to lose faith that God would take care of me even though my bank account was almost to a zero balance and I was very concerned I wouldn’t be able to make the August mortgage payment or pay the utilities without asking for help. I came close to asking a couple of times the past week but when I would think of it, I just prayed and asked God for help instead.

I made an appointment to request assistance from the Food Stamp office. (It’s not like I hadn’t worked for 30+ years and not paid into the system. Even so, I waited to the last-minute to ask.) With no income and very little money, surely they wouldn’t turn me down, right? Well they did! However, the reason they refused to help me was because the lady said it showed I was receiving disability income. My jaw almost hit the floor and I began to cry. (I have been waiting on a hearing with the disability judge for months. Last month, I wrote a letter to my congressman asking if there was any way he could step in and rush the process. I received a letter from his office on June 21st along with a copy of the letter he had written to the judge asking to expedite my hearing.) She told me the claim had been approved on July 16th. I asked her if this could be a mistake. She grinned and shook her head, “No”. I cried all the way home thanking God for answering my prayers. Just the thought of having to drive to Birmingham for the hearing gave me panic attacks which I have quite often now.

When I got home, I decided to check my bank account to see just how much money I didn’t have. What a shock! There was a very large deposit made that morning. It was from Social Security; back-pay for 21 months! (Too bad I can’t spend it!) I can’t remember the last time I cried “happy tears” but they flowed abundantly all morning. God answered my prayers … and as always, just in time.

Now I can make the mortgage payment, pay the utilities, buy food, and have some much overdue repairs done to my car. I don’t plan on changing the way I have learned to live on nothing, but I do plan to visit my family in South Alabama within the next few months. It may take me six hours to get there instead of three but I will get there somehow. I think it is the least I can do for myself.

Even though I don’t have eloquent words when I talk to God, He still listens to my heart. He knows what I am feeling better than I can put into words. He listens and he answers. I am so thankful He does and I am so thankful that I have the freedom to believe in Him. No one can ever take that away from me. If I lose everything else, I know God will always be with me.

Dear Lord, thank You for everything You have done for me and for all the many blessings in my life. Thank You for giving me another day. Thank You for loving me and forgiving my sins. Thank You for answering my prayers. Thank You for protecting me. Thank You for providing my needs. Thank You for my family and friends. Please bless each one of them with their own needs. Please watch over us through the night; protect us from harm and take us to be with You for eternity if we don’t see the light of another day. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen